I continue my quest to find new words that have the potential to help those who are grieving find comfort and peace amid their loss. I know the pains of loss because I have experienced the passing on of the very special people who loved, blessed, and taught me. These souls comprised my family, teachers, friends, classmates, work colleagues and minsters. The relationship with each was and remains one-of-a-kind, unique to us. When the physical connection ended at their passing on, there was no escape from the sense of loss. But I feel blessed to have found ways to experience profound comfort and peace in the inevitable grief.
I have seen many memes and postings that try to offer comfort to those grieving and lacking comfort and peace. They are struggling with their loss that almost constantly drives them to the pit of agony and despair. I know that it is not a simple matter to change this narrative. Some on the memes though true do not help to find relief from the pain.
The following memes are recent from social media. I offer my perspective in the hope that my views might help someone see their grieving in a more positive light. I realize and appreciate that my perspective will not resonate with everyone. Each of us has a grief as diverse as the unique relationship that is at the root of your grieving.
This is one of the basic truths of grief. Unfortunately, many of those seeking to comfort grieving friends promote the lie of expecting and hoping for achieving “Closure”. Closure means finality. There is no finality to grieving. What there is is the possibility to grieve and at the same time find profound comfort and peace. And surprisingly actually find joy! When in the throws of grief one can find reasons for nurturing gratitude, joy is its harvest.
I like the essence of this because it echoes the fact that grief is actually love. Had there not been profound love, there would be no grief. This statement promotes the notion that our grief is out of our control. “I don’t know what grief will look like tomorrow” is true because grief has many faces. But what I find encouraging is the statement: “But I’ll face it.” This promotes the reality that we have control of how we will respond to the grief no matter what form it will take tomorrow.
What is this “learning how to swim”? I believe it is learning how to adjust our perspective of grief from pain, despair and loss to gratitude, appreciation, and gain. When we can so effectively focus on the gifts the relationship we shared together, it will overwhelm every sense of loss and the pain the goes with it. I encourage us to learn the great benefit of swimming and using every available stroke.
The important thing to recognize is that in emptiness there is pain and despair. To replace that with comfort and peace we need to learn to fill the emptiness not with “loud loss” but with thundering gratitude for all the good the life relationship afforded. I find it good to write down those “good treasures” to cement them into our memories so that we can be prepared to fill any sense of emptiness that appears unexpectedly.
Some of the greatest pain for someone grieving comes from those who love them the most. I am sure you have had such experiences when you were grieving. In their desperate attempt to comfort, they naively use words and phrases that hurt instead of healing. Words like “She’s in a better place” or “at least you still have two other children” and “time will heal you” are devastating.
I once counselled a mother who had just experienced the passing on of her daughter. I told her, “Be prepared for those who sincerely love you to say words that will deeply hurt you. Please know that they love you but do not know what to say and so will use words that hurt. I offer this too ease your pain and help you to eventually forgive.”
After a few months went by I asked her if there was anything I said to her during the early days of her grieving that caused her pain and hurt. She said, “No. But what to warned me of prepared me, because there were those whose words were very painful.”
This meme offers wisdom in providing comfort to those who are grieving. Passionate listening and presence is invaluable.
Note: Refer to the other articles on Grieving I through V on this blog for more thoughts on the art and process of grieving to achieve comfort and peace.
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TURNING POINTS
Each of these and other memes that surface on social media offer opportunities to consider new ideas for promoting my and our mastering the art of grieving to achieve the comfort and peace we need. Perchance we can even find deeper sense of gratitude that can usher in a joy for what we had together.