Introduction
The dictionary defines collateral as “accompanying as secondary or subordinate” and “serving to support or reinforce” among other meanings. Most of us probably think of the term linked with “damage”, meaning unintended and undesired loss from some action.
The movie of the same name, “Collateral Beauty”, explores a very different perspective. The greatest loss for anyone is the tragic loss of a child, especially so for the loss of a child still in their youth. The parent grieves intensely, and rightfully so. The recent posting on social media below aptly describes the grief dilemma and accompanying struggle.
A grieving parent journeys through a plethora of deep and raw emotions evoking intense and often unrelenting pain. Each individual experiences their own unique journey through grief. It is impossible for anyone else to understand or appreciate because it is fashioned by the love relationship between parent and child that is unparallel compared to others. Attempting to understand therefore, needs be relegated to seeing the bigger picture and not the fine details of a parent’s special and one-of-a-kind relationship with their deceased child.
With this epistle, I attempt to add some clarity from my personal experience. Over my 70+ years, I have witnessed the passing of many people who, due to the relationship we shared in life, were very great losses for me. I do not believe I will ever understand the details of other’s grief nor will I attempt such futility, but hopefully thorough the writing of my bigger picture, readers will be able to find “collateral beauty” in their personal and totally unique journey of grief. Further, it is my sincere hope that collateral to this, they might find a place for their “love to go.”
My Story
My journey with grief began when I was a little more than four years old. My Aunt Frieda was a grandmother to me. She was my mother’s eldest sister. I wrote my story with her and her passing under the title: Aunt Frieda ~ My “Grandma” (June 2016) published on my blog, www.lifeturningpoints.org.
That experience gave me what I have come to realize only in retrospect as my first moments of living with “collateral beauty”. The turning point was the moment I saw my aunt in a state of blissful peace. This for me was a profound perspective that carried me through a grief I did not understand at that young age.
My next experience was the passing of my first childhood girlfriend. I was nine years old when Joy died of polio. Again I took the journey of grief but with the benefit of the collateral beauty perspective I possessed from the loss of Aunt Frieda. It still was not easy, but somehow I found a sustaining sense of peace amongst the deep sadness.
Over the ensuing years, being a member of two large families, the passing on of many relatives was a seemingly constant experience year after year. The friendships I developed outside my family also brought grief when a passing on occurred.
When I became a minister, another aspect of my personal grieving was born. Now I was asked to conduct funeral services. These were almost always for souls who in life were near and dear to me. Friends who shared their life with me and passed on to me what I deemed treasures beyond price. Under these circumstances, my grief from their loss had to be transformed into comfort and a measure of peace for the bereaved family. This was especially so for parents when a child was lost. I found this task of a minister to be especially difficult considering the devastation of such a loss. This impossible task of understanding a person’s grief was especially painful for a child’s parent. My continued hope was that in those moments I could add no more pain but rather some peace and comfort.
Conclusions
I discovered through the years of losses dear to me some fine points of collateral beauty. I hope they can open up for my readers their own fine points, for I believe that God provides each one individual collateral beauty created to comfort them along their personal unparalleled journey through grief. I hope you can find a place for your love to go!
Collateral Beauty for me:
• I have faith in an afterlife. This provides me with perspective that death is not permanent. This opens the door to the concept of collateral beauty.
• I believe that souls pass “on” and not “away” and this implies to me that they are close to me, embodied in the treasures they gave me in the life we shared.
• I believe God provides that my prayers for souls departed are made available to them, as prayers are spiritual in nature as are the departed. How and when God does this is beyond my comprehension, but He knows the perfect time and circumstance.
• Having wrestled with the dichotomy of feeling the pain of loss and the joy from collateral beauty, I have discovered the place for my love to go.
• I believe that God permits circumstances and “coincidences” to speak to us. He perfectly reminds us of the souls we have “lost” so that we can see the collateral beauty that exists.
I see Collateral Beauty in the following:
• The flight of a butterfly landing on a grave stone of a special baby girl in Garden of Innocence.
• The unplanned and unexpected opportunity to spend time with someone special just prior to their passing.
• The buzz of a humming bird hovering in front of my face as if to say “hello”.
• The unexpected visit of a mink at a trout stream in the Sierras, who paused, looked at me and scurried off but one last time stopped, looked back at me and vanished.
• The thoughts evoked when gazing at a painting and remembering how God used me to be a blessing bringing peace to a dying man.
• Witnessing God’s grace as He lifted from a grieving mother the unjustified weight of guilt she carried over the loss of her son.
• Experiencing the faith of a mother when she realizes her personal collateral beauty and expressed her gratitude for the years God gave her with her child.
• Seeing souls blessed with a moment when God winks at them through the power of coincidence. [“WHEN GOD WiNKS AT YOU” – How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence” by Squire Rushnell]
• Watching a large white feather fall from the flight of a dove at a perfect precise moment to illuminate collateral beauty.
The thoughts penned here hopefully provide my readers with new perspectives that lead to peaceful comfort for their souls.
Turning Points
Each new perspective on grieving provides an opportunity to hone one’s ability to navigate the grieving process. They give new openings in the heart for the Holy Spirit to comfort the faithful. Grieving is never easy, but has the potential to cause one to grow in the depth of faith and its application to deal with emotional losses that are integral with life.
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