Refueling The Soul – Page 5 – The Turning Points of Life

Grieving IV

Since I started writing about grieving, I have been finding very powerful and new to me information on how to master the art of grieving. As noted before, grieving is a very personal journey, none are like any other because the relationship between two people is unique. The deeply personal experiences can never be fully appreciated by anyone else, no matter how one might try. It is best to accept that and find peace, comfort and even joy in maintaining a connection with a loved one who has passed on. My previous writings on this subject provide a plethora of different ways to perceive one’s grieving. It is like looking through a prism and seeing a wealth of opportunity from what was invisible before we peered through such a looking glass.

Here is yet another perspective that I will be adding to as new visions find their way into my life. I gave this a title, and without a known author, I will offer it as from Anonymous.

WISDOM FOUND

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was a sad time
that followed the death of
someone you love.
And you had to push through it
to get to the other side.
But I’m learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
there is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
but rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself –

– Anonymous

Grieving III

As life experiences unfold before my eyes each day, and as dear friends pass on, my learning more and more the fine art of grieving continues to present new ways to experience this most inescapable and profound emotional and spiritual personal perspective. Since the passing on of someone who meant the world to us is uniquely individualistic, I find that the more ways to view such can enable more and more souls to find a measure of comfort in one or more perspectives I have inserted into my grieving posts. Hence, I have become sensitized and watchful for any new visions, thoughts or words that may be helpful to those who might read my posts.

Recently and unexpectedly, a dear friend showed me a poem by Henry Van Dyke that spoke to me and perchance it may also touch your grieving heart and provide a measure of comfort. For me the maritime theme/metaphor connected me to the calming that the eternal endlessness and constancy of the sea has always provided.

I call this poem “GONE?” as the author (or my source) had no title:

GONE?

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails
to the morning breeze and
starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky
come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says:
“There, she’s gone!”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear the load
of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says:
“There, she’s gone!”
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

“Here she comes!”

And that is dying . . .

-Henry Van Dyke

And till at last we meet again . . .

On Being A Blessing

As I noted in my introduction to this blog, I am hoping to become a blessings for at least someone each day through my postings or through meeting a friend or a stranger and responding to the urging of the Holy Spirit to speak to them. To prepare myself for that eventuality, my morning prayer includes these words: “Lord, make me a blessing to someone today. Guide me to that person or persons with Your Spirit and grant me the vision to see them, the ear to hear Your Spirit’s whisper and the courage to act without understanding what is happening.”

Some years ago, I received a gift in the form of a CD, Michael Crawford’s “On Eagle’s Wings”. One of the songs on that album became a personal favorite because it spoke to my morning prayer in a special way. I offer here the lyrics and perchance you want to listen to the song sung by Michael Crawford here they are:

Not Too Far From Here
Hilary Weeks

Somebody’s down to thier last dime
Somebody’s running out of time
Not too far from here

Somebody’s got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I’m praying just the same
That You’ll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
Cause somebody’s crying
Not too far from here

Somebody’s troubled and confused
Somebody’s got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody’s forgotten how to trust
Somebody’s dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger’s face
But I’m praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
Cause somebody’s hurting
Not too far from here

Help me Lord not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep
Somebody’s troubled and confused
Somebody’s got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody’s forgotten how to trust
And somebody’s dying for love
Not too far from here

Now I’m letting down my guard
And I’m opening my heart
Help me speak Your love to every needful ear
Someone is waiting not too far from here
Someone is waiting not too far from here

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: TY LACY (5820) / STEVE SILER (11499)
Not Too Far From Here lyrics © Ariose Music, ARIOSE MUSIC GROUP INC, ARIOSE MUSIC GROUP INC.

Grieving II

New perspectives on the process of grieving continue to surface even as I continue my personal journey through grief. Recently I came across this image of a statue created by Albert György.

The artwork is called Melancholy by Albert György and is on display in Geneva, Switzerland) Read more about the piece and artist here: https://totallybuffalo.com/a-sculpture-that-creates-intense-emotion/

This sculpture profoundly depicts the feeling of emptiness when someone huge in our life dies. The apparent loss is so big, it leaves a sense of emptiness that defies description. I have known that feeling. But I have also learned how to fill that empty whole in my being. It is that knowledge that I hope to convey and share with you my readers. It is my sincere hope, that with my experience, you can find some measure of comfort and some path for filling the emptiness in your heart from your loss.

The first step I have found is to develop a firm belief in the afterlife. This is essential to form a bedrock of hope that the painful separation is not eternal. On this corner stone, a structure can be built with the capacity to provide an authentic comfort in grieving. In fact, it can lead to a depth of appreciation for grief itself.

Once you can extricate yourself from the sadness associated with the painful feeling for the soul deceased, you can begin to work on your feelings of loss and the emptiness that follows.

The next step is to reshape your perspective. I discovered this when a grieving father gave his eulogy for his teenage daughter who had died. He eloquently shared all the things his daughter “passed on” to him that he treasured. He explained that seeing death as “passing on” instead of “passing away” provides a different perspective. I found this to be profound.

Exploring this new perspective, I realized that the “passing away” view produced an implication of the person leaving you, and progressively moving further away each day. Such a view deepens one’s sense of loss. On the contrary, the “passing on” view opens the way to focus on all the wonderfully valuable assets the deceased gave you in life, thereby keeping them close and “alive” in your life.

This is where “prism viewing” comes into the process. Simply stated, prism viewing means looking at life through a specific prism, as with physical prism that reveals the beautiful colors that compose white, invisible light. When I choose to view my loss through the prism of “passing away”, I will see all the reasons why I am losing that person and it intensifies my emptiness. But if I choose the prism of “passing on”, I see and remember all the precious treasured gifts that life with that person gave to me. The emptiness begins to be filled with those treasures. Emptiness is relieved and joy can fill the void.

Every person in your life that precedes you in death, has left you with treasured experiences and memories. Prism viewing helps you remember them. These have been termed “collateral beauty”. A movie of the same name provided a fascinating perspective on this aspect of loss.

I found however, that the most potent positive vision of grieving is what I gleaned from a television show. The show is a drama that takes place in a fictitious hospital emergency room. Code Black is the term for a situation when an emergency room is overwhelmed with critical patients. The resources of equipment and personnel have become insufficient to handle the circumstances.

In one episode, the ER’s lead doctor is speaking to a patient who is not severely injured. He is a psychologist. The doctor is grieving continually for years since a car accident took the lives of her two children. The patient, with his extensive training and experiences sees her grieving heart. He offers to help her, but she adamantly refuses his offer to help her overcome her grief. She tells him why.

“My grieving is for me the profound evidence that I have deeply loved, and I have been deeply loved. No one will ever take that precious gift away from me. Never.”

That statement opened a very interesting viewpoint for me. It prompted many hours of meditation and deliberation. I concluded, that there was much truth in the following statement.

This love that you shared with the person who passed on does not have the capacity to die. It lives on and there is a place for it to go. It is shared with that person every moment you recall the treasures you shared in life. It revives that feeling of friendship and love that made your life together so special, so important, so blessed.

The love of grief has the power to fill the emptiness and help looking forward to newly resurrected memories from a life well lived and a love deeply shared.

To my readers, I hope these thoughts can help you fill that empty space you feel. I pray that God will open your memories and reveal the many forgotten treasures your loved on passed on to you.

Garden of Innocence

I have had many amazing experiences at Garden of Innocence San Diego and Orange County. I have documented some of them on my previous blog posts. You can find them by Searching for Garden of Innocence.

Recently, a very moving set of experiences took place at the burial service for Baby Zoey, a baby I named to honor a very dear friend. At the ceremony, my friend Zoey’s uncle was in attendance. He was moved by the Garden experience.

Earlier this year, his cinema company created a Public Service Announcement video in support of Garden of Innocence. This June, he and his wife won two Emmys for their work on the PSA along with their team at American Dream Cinema.

The touching and dramatic message captures exquisitely the noble mission of our Gardens. Please watch it and follow your heart. If it touches you as it has so many, please donate. Even small amounts can and will make a difference for our babies. If you can’t donate, please forward this website to your friends and direct them to this post so they can watch this amazing video.

Click on this link: GOI-PSA-100

Grieving

The great inevitable in life is the experience of losing someone you have deeply loved. Sooner or later, this event enters our life. It is feared and dreaded by most because it is so final. When it suddenly or slowly becomes our reality, it brings with it intense pain and suffering. So much so that it has the potential to be utterly debilitating. The action that follows is our grieving.

Grieving can take on many forms. Crying, withdrawing, anger, resentment, and many more forms too numerous to mention. But what I have discovered in my life of grieving is that despite the utter sense of devastating personal loss, there can be a shining light of hope and comfort. It is that light and the comfort it brings that I want to share with my readers.

Years ago, I read a book entitled “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor E. Frankl. As a psychiatrist thrust into the hell of Auschwitz concentration camp in World War II, Frankl found himself positioned in a unique moment in time for observation. He discovered that if a person can find meaning in the circumstances they are in, no matter how horrid, they can and will survive. Meaning provides a means to find that light beam of hope that comforts the grieving heart.

I began my “search for meaning” of the grief that grips my heart and mind with an interesting note that was recently posted on social media. I found this to be a good starting point in my search.

So, grief is really our love. The love we shared with the one whose death has instigated this grieving was the evidence that we loved and were loved. This is quite profound. I once watched a television show that was based on an extraordinarily busy emergency room in a large city. The head doctor was speaking to a patient who perceived the doctor’s underlying grieving. He wanted to help the doctor and in his thoughts, remove the grieving. Her response was epic.

She said, “I never want to escape my grieving because it is a constant reminder that I have deeply loved, and I have been deeply loved. No, I will never let my grieving go.”

Hearing that was very touching to me. I stopped the recording, back tracked, and replayed it repeatedly. It spoke to me, and added value and understanding to my own grieving. This led me to another statement of grief.

For me, I took issue with one part of this statement. For me, when I came to embrace my grief, like that doctor, it is a place I wanted to stay. Because now my grief no longer brought those negatives of withdrawal, anger, etc. Now my grief was that constant reminder of the treasure of loving and being loved by someone very special and important to me.

So how could I go about cementing the positives of grief into my soul? I was invited to the funeral of a young girl I did not know. I knew her mother, and other relatives. I attended the funeral and found a real treasure for perceiving my grief. The father of the deceased teenager spoke and as a preamble to his eulogy he said, “When someone dies, people say that they “passed away.” Where I come from however, people say that they “passed on” and I want to share with you what my daughter “passed on” to me!”

His statement struck a tender chord in my soul. It burrowed deep into my heart as this grieving father eloquently spoke of all the gifts his daughter gave him during their short life together. Following the funeral, I pondered this perspective for days. I began to realize that this was a critical component of embracing the blessing of grieving. I thought of the motto of Garden of Innocence, “If no one grieves, no one will remember.” I realized that focusing on what my dear one passed on to me I had a bridge for keeping them alive in my memory. Never forgotten, they continued to give me what they so graciously bestowed upon me in life.

Further consideration of this “passing on” vision brought the thought that “passing away” implies that our loved one was moving away from us, farther and farther away each day. But “passing on” implies a continuation of their presence in my life, a living relationship as I named the gifts they gave me. This evoked a sense of comfort amid my grief.

Grieving was not a constant feeling I discovered. Rather it was like the ocean, it came in waves. And the intensity varied, triggered by special moments and events in history. A birthday, an anniversary, a graduation, a marriage along with many other moments triggered the sense of loss. Like waves at the beach, if you are not looking for them they will knock you off your feet, tumble you under the water and fill your pants with sand. If you have ever experienced that you’ll know how miserable it can make you. So, what are we to do? There is a solution that I have found that works for me. I call it “Prism Vision”.

Simply put, prism vision is looking at circumstances in life through a prism that, under your control determines what you see. When I found myself unprepared for the waves of grief, I chose to peer through the prism of “Collateral Beauty”. “How does that work?” you ask?

A prism has the characteristic of taking white, invisible light and, as it passes through the prism, breaks it up into all its component colors. In other words, it reveals what hereto for was hidden, invisible. So when I used the prism of collateral beauty, in the sudden onslaught of unexpected intense grief, it revealed the hidden beauty of the relationship I enjoyed with the one who passed on.

Allow me to give an example too illustrate just how this works.

I was drowned in work and activities during an extraordinarily busy week. The many things and events that filled my week consumed my undivided attention. I had little time to think of anything else but what was on my plate that week. Sunday arrived and my wife and I headed off to church. When I arrived, I looked at my phone to turn it off and suddenly realized it was the anniversary of the passing on of a very special friend, one who means so much to me. A tidal wave of grief crashed over me. I fought to hold back tears as deep feelings squeezed my inner parts and a huge lump found its way into my throat evoking pain. I felt empty with every part of me aching.

Then I peered through my collateral beauty prism and bigger waves of remembered special moments shared with my friend loomed immense before me. So big were these visions that they overwhelmed the waves of sadness and pain. They buoyed me up and lifted my soul out of darkened depths. Immediately I decided on a course of action for that day. I wanted a quieter time to reflect, to connect with all the beautiful moments shared with my friend.

The sermon at church offered more triggers of the beauty of my connection with my friend. After I returned home, I put my plan into action. I went to the Garden of Innocence where abandoned babies are given a name and laid to rest. Some months prior, I had named a baby in honor of my friend. I thought, “What better place to go to meditate than in the beauty of this Garden and see how God would help me use my prism.”

I arrived at the cemetery early in the afternoon and proceeded to walk up the hill toward the Garden. The warmth of the sun blanketed my back on the journey upward. Birds sang their sweet melodies and a gentle breeze wafted through the trees. As I walked I found myself in deep thought wrapped in anticipation for what was to come. Again, my thoughts went to my friend who loved butterflies. At least one black and yellow butterfly almost always visited us in the Garden when we had a burial ceremony.

I wondered, “Wouldn’t it be nice if when I reach the Garden, I would find many butterflies flitting about? Surely my friend would be happy at such a sight.”

As I continued my walk, I thought again, “What would really be extraordinary to find a butterfly landing on the grave stone of the baby I named in honor of my dear friend!”

What were the chances, considering that butterflies rarely landed on the ground and there were over a hundred seventy grave stones in the Garden?

I arrived at the entry to the Garden of Innocence and my heart was overwhelmed as I was greeted by what must have been a couple dozen butterflies dancing in the air above gravestones. I was moved to start my phone and activate the camera. I pushed the movie button to catch the many butterflies that filled the air. To my utter surprise, as I panned around, my eye and camera caught a butterfly zoom in on the very gravestone of my special baby. As I walked filming this extraordinary moment I caught the butterfly sitting on the gravestone slowly opening and closing its wings. After a few moments it lifted off and continued to fly around the Garden.

I was overwhelmed with joy and thanked God for giving me such a glimpse of collateral beauty with my precious friend. The pain of grief melted away as I basked in the joy of the moments that followed. This profound connection with my loved one continued to bring joy and comfort to my soul.

It is my hope that sharing these thoughts will help my readers suffering from grief and loss to find their own prisms to reveal the hidden collateral beauty they share with those who have passed on.

NOTE: The video of the butterfly landing on the gravestone can be viewed using this link: http://www.dropbox.com/s/3imdicpiepafazd/20160807_220021_66160173695203.mp4?dl=0

If this post has been a blessing for you, you might enjoy other posts similar to this. Search specific key words to find them.

Prism Viewing

An old adage states: “When your only tool is a hammer, everything you see is a nail.” This perfectly describes the filters that color our perspective. How we see profoundly influences our attitude and our attitude dictates the quality of our life. These thoughts prompted contemplation with regard to my personal turning points. I found repeatedly that as I reflected on my many turning points, I become more deeply grateful for them and the realization of how I had been blessed through them. Turning points caused me to look at my life through a different prism.

My thoughts were guided by a recent introduction to prisms in a way quite different from my previous view. My technically focused education introduced me to prisms and their unique effects many years ago in physics classes. But now I saw them more figuratively as prisms related to our viewpoints. I found the following descriptions useful as a basis.

From the dictionary:

PRISM: NOUN
• Geometry: a solid geometric figure whose two end faces are similar, equal, and parallel rectilinear figures, and whose sides are parallelograms.
• Optics: a glass or other transparent object in prism form, especially one that is triangular with refracting surfaces at an acute angle with each other and that separates white light into a spectrum of colors.
• used figuratively with reference to the clarification or distortion afforded by a particular viewpoint: “they were forced to imagine the disaster through the prism of television”

A prism then has the quality of breaking down invisible components of light and revealing the hidden colors that make up what is referred to as “white light”. Figuratively then it reveals the detailed truth about any viewpoint.

How then can this fact help understanding our viewpoints?

Consider the thought: Prism Viewing

Prism viewing affords the person the ability to see the elements of life in finest details of the heretofore unseen. Depending on the choice of prism we engage, we will see the beauty or the ugly, the good or the evil of a scene in our life.
I sought to look at some possibilities both “negative” and “positive”.

The prism of anger opened up many unseen minute details of what in general had prompted anger in the first place. The anger prism view gave countless more reasons to increase one’s anger and become more consumed by its effects. Unchecked, it would create a spiraling effect ultimately resulting in an unprovoked physical action. I perceived this as a “negative” prismatic viewer because if the potentially destructive effects of anger.

On the contrary, the prism of kindness produced a very different perspective of the same situation. The kindness prism opened visions of fine details of what may have caused an otherwise angered response. With kindness there was opportunity for one to see new ways to assuage whatever was awry. Prompted with this prism view we would be enabled to reach out and help resolve situations and potentially reconcile the issues at hand. This I perceived as a “positive” prismatic viewer because of the potentially corrective effects of kindness.

I expect some readers will take issue with this viewpoint, citing righteous anger in the face of some injustice. Of course that perspective has it merit. I propose one looks at this from the standpoint of the outcome of the revelation of the prismatic view. Does it produce good or does it produce evil?

It is important to realize and appreciate that we have full control as to what prism we choose to view our life circumstances. These thoughts prompted me to investigate positive prisms available. It was very obvious that the negative prisms are many fold. With little thought, here are some negative prisms that come to mind: prejudice, being offended, judgment, anger, resentment, hatred, covetousness, jealousy, envy, fear and the list continues.

To better understand the positive prism arrows that populate my personal quiver, I went to my reliable source, the Holy Bible. There I found the following:

Galatians 5:22-23 New King James Version (NKJV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. Against such there is no law.
This passage provides a concise but thorough list of positive prisms. As usual, I go to the Message Bible to see an additional word set to describe these qualities.

Galatians 5:22-24The Message (MSG)

22-23 But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24 Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

With these perspectives, I found that the careful choosing of appropriate prisms produced results very beneficial for me. New opportunities to be a blessing for someone seemed to appear more often. I found more words that expanded the population of my prism quiver beyond the nine in the referenced scripture. Words like Graciousness, Meekness, Accessibility, Altruistic, Availability, Understanding, Compassion, and Humbleness described more quality positive prisms from which to choose.

What remained for me was mastering the act, or art, of choosing the appropriate prism for every circumstance. Communion with the Holy Spirit offered the opportunity for His influence on my choices, making each one progressively more beneficial. However, such mastery did not come easily; it took a determined, deliberate and constant effort. And it had to be viewed as a process of growth that would continue forever. Years of inappropriate prism viewing created strong inclinations, habits of choosing the wrong prism. Slowly, with steady concerted effort coupled with prayer and a sincere desire to change, I experienced progress in the quest to rid myself of the undesired prisms. Replacing them with the blessed ones was much slower than I had hoped. The road seemed endless. Along that road I discovered many turning points that provided encouragement on the journey.

One such turning point was found in an old lesson from the book “The One Minute Manager” wherein it suggested one work at “catching” someone doing something right and praising them for it. This approach was in opposition to the tendency to employ the prism that inclined one to catch someone doing something wrong and seize the moment to correct them. This offered an interesting set of contrasting prisms.

I recently revisited a story that touched me and inspired further contemplation. It was entitled the “Second Mile” by Robert Wells. It is an excellent example of how changing one’s viewing prism made all the difference.

THE SECOND MILE

The great road stretched for miles in both directions and was very crowded. Groups of people on foot traveled steadily onward. Donkeys, heavy-burdened, passed along. A long train of camels, with great bulky loads high on their backs, plodded by.

The boy, David, standing by the side of the road, watched everything with eager eyes. “Someday, I’ll follow this road for a long, long way” he thought. “I’ll follow it all the way down to the Great Sea, and I’ll not stop even there.”

His eye fell upon a single figure, walking alone, along the crowded road. “He’s a Roman soldier,” thought David. “I can tell by the way he’s dressed. How I hate the Romans! If it weren’t for them we Jews would be free again. Then we wouldn’t have to pay their taxes or obey their laws. I hate them all!”

He stared at the Roman soldier who was almost opposite him now in the road. Suddenly, the soldier stopped. He shifted the heavy pack he carried, and eased it down to the ground. Then he straightened up again and stood resting a moment. David still stared at him, thinking angry thoughts. Then, just as the soldier turned to pick up his pack once more, he noticed David standing not far off. “Hey, boy!” he called. “Come here!”

David wanted to turn and run, but he stood frozen in his tracks. No one dared to disobey one of the soldiers of Rome. David went nearer, slowly. The soldier motioned to his pack. “You will carry it for me,” he said.

David knew that there was no help for him now. He knew the hated Roman law. Any Roman soldier could make any Jewish boy or man carry his load for him in any direction he was traveling for one mile. “But only for one mile!” thought David, angrily, as he unwillingly lifted the pack.

The soldier had already turned away and had started on along the road. He did not even bother to look back to see that David was following him. He knew that he would not dare do anything else.

David followed. The pack was heavy, but David was strong. He swung along easily, but his thoughts were angry. He wanted to throw the soldier’s pack down in the dirt and stomp on it. He wanted to shout and rage at that hated Roman soldier striding easily ahead of him. But he could do nothing except follow along, keeping his bitter thoughts to himself. “Just one mile. He can’t make me go a step further. Only one mile.” The words made a sort of song in his mind in time to his steps. “One mile, one mile…”

Then, as he was plodding along, David suddenly remembered another day when he had walked along this very same road. One day he had gone out a little ways from the city with some of his friends, to find a young teacher of whom they had heard about. They had found him out on a hill side among a large crowd of people. David had stopped with the others to listen to what he said.

“What made me think of him now?” wondered David with one part of his mind. Another part was still repeating over and over, “One-mile-one-mile-one-mile-“

“Of course,” he remembered suddenly. “The Master used those very same words. What was it He said about one mile?”

He walked on frowning for a moment before he could remember. Then he said the words to himself: “Whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” That was what He said! David had not paid very much attention to it at the time. He remembered now other things the Master had said. “Love your enemies.” “Do good to them that hate you.”

Then once more David found himself repeating the strangest of them all, “Whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” “Does he mean–could he mean–like, now?” David puzzled. “But why? Why should I go more than one mile?”

David was so busy thinking that he did not notice that the soldier had stopped, and so he almost ran into him. “You have come one mile,” said the soldier. “Give the pack to me.”

“I will go on,” said David. He did not know why he said it. “It has not been far, and I am not tired.”

The Roman soldier stared at him in surprise, and for the first time David really looked into his face. He saw that the soldier was very young. He saw, too, that he was very, very tired, in spite of the straight soldierly way in which he stood.

“You have come a long way,” said David.

“Yes,” said the other, “a weary way of many miles.”

“Have you far to go?”

“I go to Rome.”

“So far!” said David. “Then let me carry your pack for another mile.

“You are very kind,” said the soldier, but his face was still full of surprise.

So they went on, only now, the Roman soldier waited for David and walked beside him along the road. And suddenly, David found himself talking to the soldier as if they had known each other for a long time, and he told him all about his home and his family. And David listened while the soldier talked of his travels in faraway places. They were so busy talking that the distance seemed very short.

“Tell me,” said the soldier at last, “how did it happen that you offered to come this second mile?”

David hesitated. “I hardly know,” he said. “It must have been what the Master said, I think.”

Then he told the soldier all that happened out on the hill and all that he could remember of the Master’s teaching.

“Strange,” said the soldier thoughtfully. “Love your enemies. Do good to those that hate you. That’s a hard teaching. I should like to know this Master.”

They had come now to the top of a hill and the end of the second mile. David looked back along the road toward his home.

“I must go back,” he said. “The hour is late, and my parents will wonder where I have gone.”

The soldier took his pack and shouldered it again. The two clasped hands.

“Farewell, friend,” said the soldier.

“Farewell, friend,” answered David, smiling up into the soldier’s eyes. Then the two parted.

As David strode back along the road, the words of the Master kept running through his mind: “Whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” And as he repeated the words he found himself adding, with a strange, deep joy, “It works! It really works!”

It’s so very true! I walked one mile with an enemy — I walked the second mile with a friend.”

I henceforth must endeavor to choose well the prism I peer through in each and every circumstance.

Turning Points

How we see things, circumstances and people and our subsequent reactions and underlying feelings reveal our attitude. I endeavor to choose well the prism I peer through in every circumstance. What new turning points await revelation as this journey continues I do not know. But assuredly, my eyes will be watching, so my “pen” can be reporting.

Appreciating Adversity – Finding the Blessing in your Cross

Adversity is the ever present situation that seeps into our lives usually at the most inopportune times. And it is most often met with fear and distain. Who wants to face adversity? It challenges us and takes us out of our comfort zone. It threatens our peace and security. It is altogether distasteful.

Adversity appears bigger than it is

I grew up under the extraordinary teaching of my parents. In spite of the adversity in our lives that took myriad forms, I learned that in adversity was hidden invaluable blessing and benefits. I discovered the existence of these hidden treasures and how to find them.

My parents were not wealthy economically. They were extremely wealthy in spirit. That spiritual wealth created an ideal environment to prepare me for life’s adversities in all the forms they take.

My mother was challenged with constant issues regarding her health. I witnessed her suffering and the courage she demonstrated coping with it opened my deep respect for her. Her faith has undaunted by the adversity that visited her almost daily. Later in life, I found one of her secrets. It was revealed in a poem she had secreted among her personal papers. This poem was evidence for me that she mastered the ability to search for and find the blessings in her cross.

MY CROSS

Upon my back was laid a grievous load,
A heavy cross to bear along the road.

I staggered on, until one weary day,
Lurking temptation sprang across my way.

I prayed to God, and swift at His command
The cross became a weapon in my hand.

It slew my threat’ning enemy, and then
Became a cross upon my back again.

I faltered many a league, until at length,
Groaning, I sank, and had no further strength.

“Oh God!” I cried, “I am so weak and lame!”
And lo! my cross a staff of strength became.

It swept me on till I regained the loss,
Then was upon my back, again a cross.

My soul a desert. O’er the burning tack
I persevered, the cross upon my back.

No shade was there, and in the burning sun
I sank at last, and thought my days were done.

But lo! the Lord works many a blest surprise –
The cross became a shade before my eyes!

I slept; I woke, to feel the strength of ten.
I found the cross upon my back again.

And thus, through all my days, from that to this,
The cross, my burden, has become a bliss,

Nor ever shall I lay the burden down,
For God one day will make my cross a crown!

While reading this poem I contemplated how it must have helped her to focus on blessings and not the adversity. As I imagined my mother reading it this poem in times that required her to see things from the perspective it created, I realized more deeply its value. It also revealed that a concerted effort was required to achieve the proper focus. One needed to work their way through the jungle-like entanglements of emotions that erupt when facing overwhelming adversity. Dense feelings of hopelessness and defeat accompany such difficulties that relentlessly unfold in life.

Further thought reminded me of the definition of appreciation that I had researched years before. Seeing adversity with appreciation had the power to overcome the resistance to look for the benefits of an adversity at hand.

Appreciation’s meaning that became so valuable to me can be explained as follows:

I was dissatisfied with the initial meanings I found in the dictionary on my desk. So I resorted to my old college dictionary. I had to dig it out from the bottom shelf of the book case. Opening it and paging through its browned faded pages I found this:
Appreciation: “the exercise of wise judgment, delicate perception, and keen insight in realizing the worth of something”

I began to dissect this meaning as the implications in the description fascinated me. I investigated each component and found that some additions were apropos. After some time I settled on the following:

“the exercise of wise judgment, delicate perception, keen insight and sensitive awareness in realizing the worth or value of something or someone”

Applying this to my study to find the value of adversity, I sought to determine what each component of this definition could reveal and initiate some new deeper thoughts on the subject.

To further my study I analyzed each word or phrase. I found the following to be true and worthwhile in understanding how appreciation applies to the successful dealing with adversity.

Exercise is putting forth effort by me for my benefit. Exercise requires deliberate action on my part often requiring sacrifice and painful exertion to accomplish the task for which it is rendered. This work and the toil that accompanies it are necessary if one truly seeks to find values hidden in adversity.

Wise judgment is my evaluation employing my cache of knowledge and experience. When I exercise wise judgment, I engage my knowledge of the adversity under study, and add to it my comprehension of the character of that adversity, completing it with my understanding of its implications. I am then positioned to make a valid judgment of the values that surface.

Delicate perception is the view I have when my vision is based on my observance of the fine points. Here, I look not on the big picture, but rather focus deliberately on the fine details of the adversity I am facing. I question what I see with the intention of looking deeper with finer detail. This allows me to find treasures that the casual observer will overlook.

Keen insight implies that sharpness of my investigation is cutting deep and looking under the surface beyond the obvious. The thought that nothing is ever what it appears to be, instigates the deeper exploration below the visible surface, a dissection of the adversity. It gives understanding of what is at work now seen in the open.

Sensitive awareness is the faculty that uses my sensitivity to be aware, touched and moved. With this talent, I am equipped to see the peripherals that enhance or detract from the adversity under consideration.

Realizing the worth or value is the making the treasure real to me. When the four exercises above are completed and fully engaged, worth and values are not merely known, they become real, possessed and embraced.

Something or someone indicates to me that appreciation applies to material things and people but now can be expanded to include adversity. When we consider this expansion to adversity we can better understand how far reaching appreciation can be applied in our life.

TURNING POINT

The realization that the values and benefits of adversity are typically hidden deep in the emotions it instigates was a turning point for me. Now, before emotions can overwhelm me, I am positioned to commence my search for value and meaning thereby tempering any anguish emotions are prone to foment within. When emotions are in check, and values and meanings can be embraced, dealing with the resident adversity is most successful and even edifying. Gratefulness replaces despair and fear, and appreciation in all its potential performs its purpose.

Collateral Beauty

Introduction

The dictionary defines collateral as “accompanying as secondary or subordinate” and “serving to support or reinforce” among other meanings. Most of us probably think of the term linked with “damage”, meaning unintended and undesired loss from some action.

The movie of the same name, “Collateral Beauty”, explores a very different perspective. The greatest loss for anyone is the tragic loss of a child, especially so for the loss of a child still in their youth. The parent grieves intensely, and rightfully so. The recent posting on social media below aptly describes the grief dilemma and accompanying struggle.

A grieving parent journeys through a plethora of deep and raw emotions evoking intense and often unrelenting pain. Each individual experiences their own unique journey through grief. It is impossible for anyone else to understand or appreciate because it is fashioned by the love relationship between parent and child that is unparallel compared to others. Attempting to understand therefore, needs be relegated to seeing the bigger picture and not the fine details of a parent’s special and one-of-a-kind relationship with their deceased child.

With this epistle, I attempt to add some clarity from my personal experience. Over my 70+ years, I have witnessed the passing of many people who, due to the relationship we shared in life, were very great losses for me. I do not believe I will ever understand the details of other’s grief nor will I attempt such futility, but hopefully thorough the writing of my bigger picture, readers will be able to find “collateral beauty” in their personal and totally unique journey of grief. Further, it is my sincere hope that collateral to this, they might find a place for their “love to go.”

My Story

My journey with grief began when I was a little more than four years old. My Aunt Frieda was a grandmother to me. She was my mother’s eldest sister. I wrote my story with her and her passing under the title: Aunt Frieda ~ My “Grandma” (June 2016) published on my blog, www.lifeturningpoints.org.

That experience gave me what I have come to realize only in retrospect as my first moments of living with “collateral beauty”. The turning point was the moment I saw my aunt in a state of blissful peace. This for me was a profound perspective that carried me through a grief I did not understand at that young age.

My next experience was the passing of my first childhood girlfriend. I was nine years old when Joy died of polio. Again I took the journey of grief but with the benefit of the collateral beauty perspective I possessed from the loss of Aunt Frieda. It still was not easy, but somehow I found a sustaining sense of peace amongst the deep sadness.

Over the ensuing years, being a member of two large families, the passing on of many relatives was a seemingly constant experience year after year. The friendships I developed outside my family also brought grief when a passing on occurred.

When I became a minister, another aspect of my personal grieving was born. Now I was asked to conduct funeral services. These were almost always for souls who in life were near and dear to me. Friends who shared their life with me and passed on to me what I deemed treasures beyond price. Under these circumstances, my grief from their loss had to be transformed into comfort and a measure of peace for the bereaved family. This was especially so for parents when a child was lost. I found this task of a minister to be especially difficult considering the devastation of such a loss. This impossible task of understanding a person’s grief was especially painful for a child’s parent. My continued hope was that in those moments I could add no more pain but rather some peace and comfort.

Conclusions

I discovered through the years of losses dear to me some fine points of collateral beauty. I hope they can open up for my readers their own fine points, for I believe that God provides each one individual collateral beauty created to comfort them along their personal unparalleled journey through grief. I hope you can find a place for your love to go!

Collateral Beauty for me:

• I have faith in an afterlife. This provides me with perspective that death is not permanent. This opens the door to the concept of collateral beauty.
• I believe that souls pass “on” and not “away” and this implies to me that they are close to me, embodied in the treasures they gave me in the life we shared.
• I believe God provides that my prayers for souls departed are made available to them, as prayers are spiritual in nature as are the departed. How and when God does this is beyond my comprehension, but He knows the perfect time and circumstance.
• Having wrestled with the dichotomy of feeling the pain of loss and the joy from collateral beauty, I have discovered the place for my love to go.
• I believe that God permits circumstances and “coincidences” to speak to us. He perfectly reminds us of the souls we have “lost” so that we can see the collateral beauty that exists.

I see Collateral Beauty in the following:

• The flight of a butterfly landing on a grave stone of a special baby girl in Garden of Innocence.
• The unplanned and unexpected opportunity to spend time with someone special just prior to their passing.
• The buzz of a humming bird hovering in front of my face as if to say “hello”.
• The unexpected visit of a mink at a trout stream in the Sierras, who paused, looked at me and scurried off but one last time stopped, looked back at me and vanished.
• The thoughts evoked when gazing at a painting and remembering how God used me to be a blessing bringing peace to a dying man.
• Witnessing God’s grace as He lifted from a grieving mother the unjustified weight of guilt she carried over the loss of her son.
• Experiencing the faith of a mother when she realizes her personal collateral beauty and expressed her gratitude for the years God gave her with her child.
• Seeing souls blessed with a moment when God winks at them through the power of coincidence. [“WHEN GOD WiNKS AT YOU” – How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence” by Squire Rushnell]
• Watching a large white feather fall from the flight of a dove at a perfect precise moment to illuminate collateral beauty.

The thoughts penned here hopefully provide my readers with new perspectives that lead to peaceful comfort for their souls.

Turning Points

Each new perspective on grieving provides an opportunity to hone one’s ability to navigate the grieving process. They give new openings in the heart for the Holy Spirit to comfort the faithful. Grieving is never easy, but has the potential to cause one to grow in the depth of faith and its application to deal with emotional losses that are integral with life.

When Heaven Speaks

Sometimes when we least expect it, God speaks to us out of Heaven. They are always turning points.

A week and a day ago I received a phone call that was the harbinger of sad news. My dear cousin had passed on in the night. He was an extraordinary blessing in my life. I felt a deep sense of grief and yet an equal sense of joyful thanksgiving. I didn’t give too much thought to this dichotomy, but its effects continued throughout the week.

The next day, Saturday, I wrote:
Yesterday I received the sad news that my cousin Bob Stier had passed on during the night. I was shocked at this news as I had just a few weeks prior, on Sunday November 6th sat next to him at our Paramus church for our Service for the Departed. For both of us, this service was very special as we remembered the many family members who had passed on before us. Bob was one of the most influential people in my life. He was 10 years my senior and over the years was an amazing blessing for me in so many ways. My first remembrance was when he became an Eagle Scout. That was a significant accomplishment and the precursor to the powerful character that he displayed throughout his life. I saw him as an inspiring mentor. As I reached my teens and early twenties Bob became a spiritual mentor for me. He quietly and gently guided my path of thinking and walking in life. He was able to give me truth even when the truth was very hard to swallow. But with him, his understanding and spiritual wisdom, he gave me the strength to remain faithful and thrive in my spiritual life. I remember the services he conducted always spoke to my soul and had a special way of keeping my feet on the right path. My Sunday in Paramus sitting with him before and during the service was a gift from God for which I have expressed my profound gratitude to my heavenly Father. We spoke of things near and dear to our hearts. Those moments prior to the service were a brief walk together in heaven. I normally would have sat in the front pews that day, in fact that thought ran through my mind. But I thank God that I heeded the more urgent feeling, to stay there next to Bob. In the days ahead, I will be recounting the many blessings, calmly naming them one by one that Bob’s life meant to me. All those little moments, those tender life changing words he spoke to me, will pile up as the treasures he passed on to me. I hope that I can pass them on to others and multiply the gift God gave us in this extraordinary man of God. My love and prayers go out to the rest of our family for this loss. I hope you all can cherish the treasure he was and remains for you.

During the week, I often recalled the special moments Bob and I shared in life. On Friday, a week after his passing I was able to view the funeral service for Bob at our Parsippany New Jersey church because it was on a video link. It was a comforting and inspiring service.

Also on my heart was the service for two babies in our Garden of Innocence, Karen and Bryan scheduled for the next day. My part in the Garden ceremony was the Dove release. All my documents were prepared.

On Saturday morning I left for the Garden of Innocence anticipating what new blessings would emerge from the experience. It was going to be special in a way because one of the babies, Bryan, was named in honor of the son of one of our Garden volunteers.

When I got into my car, I switched the radio from “News” to “Symphony” and listened to the gentle sound of a Mozart sonata on the way to the Garden. As I drove, I once again was in touch with the deep feelings of Grief and Joyful thanksgiving. As I contemplated this dichotomy, I remembered something I had recently read. It was posted on social media and caught my eye. When I got to the Garden I opened my phone and searched for the piece that I had downloaded. This is what it said:

When I read this again, it suddenly became clear to me. The Garden of Innocence has become the place where “Grief that is just love now has a place to go!”
I shared this thought with those assembled for Karen and Bryan today and it brought a sense of peace wherein the dichotomy of feelings of grief and joyful thanksgiving coexist within a loving heart.

Further contemplation on this matter revealed that the great outlets for our love for those who have passed on are the prayers we offer up on their behalf. I firmly believe that our God of love allows prayers that are spiritual entities, to be experienced by those for whom we render them, whether they are for family, friends or total strangers. Imagine the feelings of a stranger, possibly forlorn because they never experienced love in this life, suddenly hearing your prayer for them.

Turning Points

We never know what gift of heaven will adorn our life each day. Sometimes we just need to escape the “news” of the day and find a “symphony” to settle our spirit and open our ears and eyes to the gift of God and embrace His message for us today. This day’s turning point for me drove that message home once again.