Uncategorized – The Turning Points of Life

Criticism

Criticism is something everyone experiences. The question is what it means to the recipient? A major consideration in answering that question is what is the character of that person? How do they feel about themselves? What is their sensitivity? There are many possible responses to criticism. Some are highly offended on one end while others are appreciative because it allows one to improve by self-examination.

Criticism is leveled from one to another as disapproval of perceived faults or mistakes. The intensity of the criticism is typically based on the perceived cost of the mistake. The intensity is also affected by the possible stress in the relationship between the parties.

As a youth, I was very sensitive to criticism. It was painful because it made me feel like I was less than who I wanted to be. It made me feel like a failure. But I was at a point in maturity that required learning who I was and who I wanted to be. In a surprising moment of clarity, I drew a conclusion. In retrospect, it was a very mature and wise decision. I developed a way to accept and deal with criticism that I deemed would never end.

Criticism, I decided was a way of life. No matter how good or bad you are, criticism dwells in every life. And it will come out of many spirits and under many names. It will be the result of jealousy, anger, resentment, and political sides and on the other hand it will surface as genuine interest in support of another person. I have experienced all of these.

When someone wants to mask their criticism, they will offer it with the weak caveat of “constructive criticism”. Seldom is such criticism accepted as “constructive”. It still bites the ego and does little to assuage the hurt the criticized feels.

The perspective that I chose for receiving the inevitable criticism I know I will experience in the circle of my relationships is this:

Criticism, regardless of the spirit with which it is offered,
Has at least some shreds of truth.
I challenge myself to rise above any sense of hurt.
And search for that truth shred and embrace it.
Then use it to change into a better person.

This perspective provides some very important and valuable benefits. Initially, it gives some relief to the hurt because it gives potential value to the criticism. It reveals a weakness that I previously did not see and now am able to address and resolve. Additionally, I see the value of a specific criticism to make me a better person. I can now easily not only forgive the critic but also thank them for helping me see the truth.

TURNING POINTS

This realization of criticism and how it can be seen as a benefit to growth and maturity was a big turning point that has served me throughout my life in service, friendship and business.

Samantha Angele – Miracle Baby

Luke 8:50

But when Jesus heard it, He answered him, saying, “Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well.”

When I heard the news from Cindy, my heart sank, writhing in intense pain and sadness. She had just been with her doctor and the news she brought took both of us to our knees. The child she was carrying under her heart was almost certainly Downs Syndrome. I summoned what little strength I could to comfort Cindy, but what could I say? I knew her and her husband Tony would love their child regardless, but I also knew it would be a very difficult challenge for an already challenged family.

Cindy and Tony were both in the navy when they arrived in San Diego in January 2000. I was the rector in our El Cajon congregation and welcomed them with open arms. They had been told by my cousin Cliff that I would be there for them. Cliff was their minister in New Jersey. They arrived with a young boy who was their nephew, and they were his guardians.

The economics of the San Diego area was not always easy, especially for military families. The cost of living in San Diego was very high. Despite the financial challenges Cindy and Tony were a happy couple with a profound faith. I enjoyed serving them.

As the years went by Cindy gave birth to two baby boys. Each were premature and spent their early days in incubators. I would marvel at the sights in the hospital as Cindy would place her hand into the incubator and the tiniest of delicate fingers would grip her index finger in a clear warming indication of the love bond between mother and child. The boys grew quickly and became a great joy to the congregation family. They had sweet personalities that captured the hearts of all of us.

Now Cindy was pregnant again. Three months into the pregnancy, I gave Cindy, Tony and the new life Cindy was carrying the Confinement Blessing on a bright Sunday morning. In privacy of the Sacristy, we experienced the blessing of God for this new life. The family was aglow with anticipation of the new member of the family.

Secretly, Cindy confided in Tony after they returned home that she sensed that I had a concern over the family and maybe this new life they were expecting. Cindy carried her thought in her heart. I did not know this, nor did I consciously harbor any concern for the child. I put all my trust in God’s blessing for a blessed outcome. My only concern was the economic burden another child would bring.

In the weeks that followed, standard testing was done with the pregnancy, and everything seemed normal. Since the previous pregnancies had ended in a premature baby, extra care was being taken to ensure that this one would be normal.

After one of these tests, Cindy called me with the unexpected news that the child tested positive for Down’s Syndrome.

After I arranged for a family visit that night with Cindy, I poured out my heart to God. I feared what the family would have to endure with such a burden. Knowing the characters of Tony and Cindy so intimately, I knew they would love this child with all the love a parent could muster. After praying, I immediately called our Apostle to give him the sad news. I must have caught him at a bad time, because he was not very talkative. Upon hearing the news, he simply said, “I have just returned from being with our Chief Apostle. When you visit the family, give them this word that he used, ‘Fear not, just believe’”.

When he hung up the phone, I sat there somewhat stunned. How can I bring these terse words to these parents? I sat there struggling within myself to accept these words. I didn’t know where this word came from in the bible. I was wrestling with my own faith to try to gain some understanding. I was in such a deep struggle that I didn’t think to search the bible for its source or context. When I finally exercised trust in my Lord, I embraced these few simple words without any semblance of understanding. Finally, I was prepared to make my evening visit.

With hours of fervent prayer behind me, I enter Cindy and Tony’s apartment. After our welcoming greetings we prayed together. Then I explained that I had reached out to our apostle to advise him of the circumstances. With some lingering concerns as to how they would receive the brief words from the apostle, I explained.

“The apostle, on hearing the news of the test results, said, ‘tell them this, Fear not, just believe.’”

Instantly, an aura of peace came over Cindy and Tony with their complete acceptance of these words. I felt a tinge of shame coming over me. What I had to wrestle with they immediately believed. I secretly admired their profound faith. Yet another lesson I learned from this family.

We talked and discussed what the future would hold. Cindy explained that in six to eight weeks the doctors would perform another test to confirm the first one. In the meantime, we would continue to pray for God’s blessing and for our own strength to accept what would come to pass.

Over the next weeks, I frequently sought to encourage Cindy and Tony. Believing without fear became our mantra as the days of waiting marched onward.

Then the day of the next test dawned, and our prayers intensified.

The call came from Cindy, “The test is negative! The test is negative for Downs Syndrome!”

With relief and unspeakable gratitude for God’s precious blessing we cried together. When I hung up the phone, I called our apostle with the great news. Together we praised and thanked God for His love and response to our prayers.

I was now intent on finding the actual text in the bible. My search led me to Luke 8.

Luke 8:40-42, 49-56

New King James Version Luke 8:40-56

A Girl Restored to Life

⁴⁰So it was, when Jesus returned, that the multitude welcomed Him, for they were all waiting for Him. ⁴¹And behold, there came a man named Jairus, and he was a ruler of the synagogue. And he fell down at Jesus’ feet and begged Him to come to his house, ⁴²for he had an only daughter about twelve years of age, and she was dying.

⁴⁹While He was still speaking, someone came from the ruler of the synagogue’s house, saying to him, “Your daughter is dead. Do not trouble the Teacher.”

⁵⁰But when Jesus heard it, He answered him, saying, “Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well.” ⁵¹When He came into the house, He permitted no one to go in except Peter, James, and John, and the father and mother of the girl. ⁵²Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, “Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.” ⁵³And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead.

⁵⁴But He put them all outside, took her by the hand and called, saying, “Little girl, arise.” ⁵⁵Then her spirit returned, and she arose immediately. And He commanded that she be given something to eat. ⁵⁶And her parents were astonished, but He charged them to tell no one what had happened.

As I read this, my heart sank when I read the words “and she will be made well”. I thought about how I would have seen the words the apostle gave me differently if I knew this. Pondering this I realized that God fashioned it as he did so I would wrestle and accept them without the added understanding afforded by the words “and she will be made well”. I was tested. It opened the way for my growth and edification of my faith and trust in God. It was a turning point never to be forgotten.

But this was not the end to the story.

When Cindy gave birth, a full-term healthy baby girl arrived to bless the family. Now the joyful task of welcoming new life into the family and our congregation.

Cindy came to me with a request, “what should we name her? Tony wants to name her Samantha, but I don’t want anyone calling her Sam or Sammy!”

(I later learned that Cindy and Tony had been discussing several possible names for the baby. Each name that Cindy suggested a name Tony said, “No.” After Tony awoke from a sleep he announced, “Samantha is her name!”)

Cindy and Tony agreed to name their baby girl Samantha Angelle.

On Sunday March 2^nd, 2008, I was privileged to Baptize baby Samantha Angelle. In my message to Tony and Cindy I said that I was convinced that she was already praying before she was born. I confessed that Samantha taught me a new depth of prayer life as I journeyed with them to this very day.

The following week we were in Pasadena for a service with our Apostle. Samantha was to be sealed and it was also a Confirmation service for a group of youth.

I was in the sacristy with the Apostle and other servants prior to service. At the right moment I mentioned to the Apostle that one of the babies for sealing was our miracle baby, Samantha. Upon hearing this he became silent, and I saw him wrestle with his emotions as he surly revisited the many fervent prayers we had rendered and the wonderful response from our God.

After service I rejoiced with the family for the amazing journey we had travers- ed with the blessings of God’s hand to bless and guide us through.

Samantha Angele – Miracle Baby

Carol and Baby Samantha at her Baptism

Samantha in my arms at her Baptism

Samantha’s Holy Sealing with Apostle Kolb

Fear Not, just BELIEVE!

TURNING POINTS

The experience with Samantha brought many turning points for me. I realized the great power of faith and trust in the Lord when faced with a challenge that first appears without any plausible solution. There are formidable forces afoot when souls are teamed with others who share their faith and join in fervent prayer together. There is nothing that is too difficult for God to change or move or heal. Patient waiting for God’s meticulous timing and self-introspection while going through the valleys of adversity bring potent personal growth. Faith is edified.

Grieving VI

I continue my quest to find new words that have the potential to help those who are grieving find comfort and peace amid their loss. I know the pains of loss because I have experienced the passing on of the very special people who loved, blessed, and taught me. These souls comprised my family, teachers, friends, classmates, work colleagues and minsters. The relationship with each was and remains one-of-a-kind, unique to us. When the physical connection ended at their passing on, there was no escape from the sense of loss. But I feel blessed to have found ways to experience profound comfort and peace in the inevitable grief.

I have seen many memes and postings that try to offer comfort to those grieving and lacking comfort and peace. They are struggling with their loss that almost constantly drives them to the pit of agony and despair. I know that it is not a simple matter to change this narrative. Some on the memes though true do not help to find relief from the pain.

The following memes are recent from social media. I offer my perspective in the hope that my views might help someone see their grieving in a more positive light. I realize and appreciate that my perspective will not resonate with everyone. Each of us has a grief as diverse as the unique relationship that is at the root of your grieving.

This is one of the basic truths of grief. Unfortunately, many of those seeking to comfort grieving friends promote the lie of expecting and hoping for achieving “Closure”. Closure means finality. There is no finality to grieving. What there is is the possibility to grieve and at the same time find profound comfort and peace. And surprisingly actually find joy! When in the throws of grief one can find reasons for nurturing gratitude, joy is its harvest.

I like the essence of this because it echoes the fact that grief is actually love. Had there not been profound love, there would be no grief. This statement promotes the notion that our grief is out of our control. “I don’t know what grief will look like tomorrow” is true because grief has many faces. But what I find encouraging is the statement: “But I’ll face it.” This promotes the reality that we have control of how we will respond to the grief no matter what form it will take tomorrow.

What is this “learning how to swim”? I believe it is learning how to adjust our perspective of grief from pain, despair and loss to gratitude, appreciation, and gain. When we can so effectively focus on the gifts the relationship we shared together, it will overwhelm every sense of loss and the pain the goes with it. I encourage us to learn the great benefit of swimming and using every available stroke.

The important thing to recognize is that in emptiness there is pain and despair. To replace that with comfort and peace we need to learn to fill the emptiness not with “loud loss” but with thundering gratitude for all the good the life relationship afforded. I find it good to write down those “good treasures” to cement them into our memories so that we can be prepared to fill any sense of emptiness that appears unexpectedly.

Some of the greatest pain for someone grieving comes from those who love them the most. I am sure you have had such experiences when you were grieving. In their desperate attempt to comfort, they naively use words and phrases that hurt instead of healing. Words like “She’s in a better place” or “at least you still have two other children” and “time will heal you” are devastating.

I once counselled a mother who had just experienced the passing on of her daughter. I told her, “Be prepared for those who sincerely love you to say words that will deeply hurt you. Please know that they love you but do not know what to say and so will use words that hurt. I offer this too ease your pain and help you to eventually forgive.”

After a few months went by I asked her if there was anything I said to her during the early days of her grieving that caused her pain and hurt. She said, “No. But what to warned me of prepared me, because there were those whose words were very painful.”

This meme offers wisdom in providing comfort to those who are grieving. Passionate listening and presence is invaluable.

Note: Refer to the other articles on Grieving I through V on this blog for more thoughts on the art and process of grieving to achieve comfort and peace.

TURNING POINTS

Each of these and other memes that surface on social media offer opportunities to consider new ideas for promoting my and our mastering the art of grieving to achieve the comfort and peace we need. Perchance we can even find deeper sense of gratitude that can usher in a joy for what we had together.

The New Commandment

John 13:34-35 New King James Version

³⁴A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. ³⁵By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

I have read this Bible verse hundreds of times in my life. But when communing with the Holy Spirit, there is always something new in the realization of its depth. Sometimes, there is a new perspective that opens, and I think, “why didn’t I see that before?”

Seeing a new understanding of an old word highlights the obvious that wasn’t so obvious on previous visits to the word. This prompts the thought I need to combat the feeling that I can dismiss the possibility of new revelations when I see a word again and again.

The children’s choir in South African were signing a song that employed the “New Commandment” as the lyrics to a song that moved my soul.

It dawned on me as I contemplated the singing of “A New Commandment” that I must become more aware of just how Jesus has loved me.

As I consider this notion, which should have been self-evident those hundreds of time I read it before, requires some very deliberate and focused introspection. I anticipate a long and interesting exploration of just how in the myriad ways Jesus has loved me and those near and dear to me.

TURNING POINTS

When I am extricated from my daily rituals by some unexpected event or experience, I find there is a turning point lurking in the moment. This was one of those moments. I have always appreciated what God has done and continues to do in my life, but there is always room to enhance my depth of gratitude.

Appreciating Adversity – Finding the Blessing in your Cross

Adversity is the ever present situation that seeps into our lives usually at the most inopportune times. And it is most often met with fear and distain. Who wants to face adversity? It challenges us and takes us out of our comfort zone. It threatens our peace and security. It is altogether distasteful.

Adversity appears bigger than it is

I grew up under the extraordinary teaching of my parents. In spite of the adversity in our lives that took myriad forms, I learned that in adversity was hidden invaluable blessing and benefits. I discovered the existence of these hidden treasures and how to find them.

My parents were not wealthy economically. They were extremely wealthy in spirit. That spiritual wealth created an ideal environment to prepare me for life’s adversities in all the forms they take.

My mother was challenged with constant issues regarding her health. I witnessed her suffering and the courage she demonstrated coping with it opened my deep respect for her. Her faith has undaunted by the adversity that visited her almost daily. Later in life, I found one of her secrets. It was revealed in a poem she had secreted among her personal papers. This poem was evidence for me that she mastered the ability to search for and find the blessings in her cross.

MY CROSS

Upon my back was laid a grievous load,
A heavy cross to bear along the road.

I staggered on, until one weary day,
Lurking temptation sprang across my way.

I prayed to God, and swift at His command
The cross became a weapon in my hand.

It slew my threat’ning enemy, and then
Became a cross upon my back again.

I faltered many a league, until at length,
Groaning, I sank, and had no further strength.

“Oh God!” I cried, “I am so weak and lame!”
And lo! my cross a staff of strength became.

It swept me on till I regained the loss,
Then was upon my back, again a cross.

My soul a desert. O’er the burning tack
I persevered, the cross upon my back.

No shade was there, and in the burning sun
I sank at last, and thought my days were done.

But lo! the Lord works many a blest surprise –
The cross became a shade before my eyes!

I slept; I woke, to feel the strength of ten.
I found the cross upon my back again.

And thus, through all my days, from that to this,
The cross, my burden, has become a bliss,

Nor ever shall I lay the burden down,
For God one day will make my cross a crown!

While reading this poem I contemplated how it must have helped her to focus on blessings and not the adversity. As I imagined my mother reading it this poem in times that required her to see things from the perspective it created, I realized more deeply its value. It also revealed that a concerted effort was required to achieve the proper focus. One needed to work their way through the jungle-like entanglements of emotions that erupt when facing overwhelming adversity. Dense feelings of hopelessness and defeat accompany such difficulties that relentlessly unfold in life.

Further thought reminded me of the definition of appreciation that I had researched years before. Seeing adversity with appreciation had the power to overcome the resistance to look for the benefits of an adversity at hand.

Appreciation’s meaning that became so valuable to me can be explained as follows:

I was dissatisfied with the initial meanings I found in the dictionary on my desk. So I resorted to my old college dictionary. I had to dig it out from the bottom shelf of the book case. Opening it and paging through its browned faded pages I found this:
Appreciation: “the exercise of wise judgment, delicate perception, and keen insight in realizing the worth of something”

I began to dissect this meaning as the implications in the description fascinated me. I investigated each component and found that some additions were apropos. After some time I settled on the following:

“the exercise of wise judgment, delicate perception, keen insight and sensitive awareness in realizing the worth or value of something or someone”

Applying this to my study to find the value of adversity, I sought to determine what each component of this definition could reveal and initiate some new deeper thoughts on the subject.

To further my study I analyzed each word or phrase. I found the following to be true and worthwhile in understanding how appreciation applies to the successful dealing with adversity.

Exercise is putting forth effort by me for my benefit. Exercise requires deliberate action on my part often requiring sacrifice and painful exertion to accomplish the task for which it is rendered. This work and the toil that accompanies it are necessary if one truly seeks to find values hidden in adversity.

Wise judgment is my evaluation employing my cache of knowledge and experience. When I exercise wise judgment, I engage my knowledge of the adversity under study, and add to it my comprehension of the character of that adversity, completing it with my understanding of its implications. I am then positioned to make a valid judgment of the values that surface.

Delicate perception is the view I have when my vision is based on my observance of the fine points. Here, I look not on the big picture, but rather focus deliberately on the fine details of the adversity I am facing. I question what I see with the intention of looking deeper with finer detail. This allows me to find treasures that the casual observer will overlook.

Keen insight implies that sharpness of my investigation is cutting deep and looking under the surface beyond the obvious. The thought that nothing is ever what it appears to be, instigates the deeper exploration below the visible surface, a dissection of the adversity. It gives understanding of what is at work now seen in the open.

Sensitive awareness is the faculty that uses my sensitivity to be aware, touched and moved. With this talent, I am equipped to see the peripherals that enhance or detract from the adversity under consideration.

Realizing the worth or value is the making the treasure real to me. When the four exercises above are completed and fully engaged, worth and values are not merely known, they become real, possessed and embraced.

Something or someone indicates to me that appreciation applies to material things and people but now can be expanded to include adversity. When we consider this expansion to adversity we can better understand how far reaching appreciation can be applied in our life.

TURNING POINT

The realization that the values and benefits of adversity are typically hidden deep in the emotions it instigates was a turning point for me. Now, before emotions can overwhelm me, I am positioned to commence my search for value and meaning thereby tempering any anguish emotions are prone to foment within. When emotions are in check, and values and meanings can be embraced, dealing with the resident adversity is most successful and even edifying. Gratefulness replaces despair and fear, and appreciation in all its potential performs its purpose.